An reflection about a nightmare

Music: Attack on Titan Season 2 OST - 'theDOGS' produced by Hiroyuki Sawano

It's been three weeks since I've awakened from a nightmare that drained me physically and mentally, made me develop tunnel vision on life, and then proceeded to get a middle man to nonchalantly throw me onto the streets figuratively.

Three weeks later they want me back.  And make me start on end November.

............

你玩我啊?

Now I totally understand the rationale of working under a project-based job means no project equals no job but this is just short-sightedness at its finest and speaks volumes about the amount of respect for me and my time.  Which is almost non-existent.

Hell, I DID MY OWN CLEARANCE. I had to go to Finance on my own, I had to surrender my own laptop and my own pass.  While a certain twat busied himself with whatever he had on his plate.

The work can get overwhelming, that I understand that because I was warned during the interview. At one point of time, it had been so stressful for me that I have been blasting Attack on Titan OSTs to help me survive through the day while serving as a cathartic measure of sorts so I don't go insane from all the overtime that I do.

But before letting me go early, aforementioned twat didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face that he's ending things early.  Perhaps his understanding that all communications with me must go through the middle man; but when it comes to issues concerning someone's very employment itself, is it not basic decency to pull them aside for a few minutes to break the news to them?

I may have never been in a relationship before but this feels like being dumped over a text.  Or telling a friend to relay the message because you couldn't deal with my reaction.  How wondrous, because for someone who exercises on a regular basis and proclaims himself as one of the nicest guys in the office, it's a surprisingly spineless and dickish move to make.

Fast-forward to twenty-five days later.  He tried to call me back.  And make me start during end-November.  My initial reaction was surprise and joy due to hearing from him again, and also relief that though marketing wasn't my major and I had struggled significantly, I didn't fuck up so bad that I was immediately wiped from his memory and the bridge was burnt the moment I left.  Then indignation and a feeling of humiliation sets in when the terms were offered.  Because I sure as hell am not going to sit in my house all day and twiddle my thumbs till the actual job commences on 20th November.

It's a spit in my face to want me to take up this job and it's not something I want to tolerate.  It's like what Shizu-chan had asked me. 

"Will you love an ex?"

Well if all we needed was a break from each other or if we parted on good terms, yes.  Showing this amount of disregard for my time and disrespect for me as a person simply establishes a no.

So that's my answer. "No. And fuck you." I will not love an ex if he spits in my face and wants me back three weeks later just because he needs a booty call to satiate himself.

Yes I'm alive. Depressed, but still alive.

I'd just like to say that listening to Aizen monologue-ing over noir jazz is the best worst experiment ever.

God's test to my discipline is over.  I've managed to bag a Distinction grade and it's good to know that the events that I've sacrificed attending, and plowing through the material with sheer force and determination amounted to something in return.


Now for a quick update, I'm barely keeping my head above the water, bouncing back from being free of disappointments and jokes; and maybe buried under a landslide of regrets from personal pride issues, lack of hindsight and bad decisions.


I need to get my shit together though I honestly want nothing more than to curl up into a ball in a corner and just start bawling my eyes out.  But hopefully, this is just a phase of unrest and instability that will pass by.  Even if all that I can do now is keep my head low and endure the storm, as long as I don't stop and ask for where the rope is, I'll cross my fingers and pray that I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

It has been 5 months into the year of 2017.  And at this period of time, it's safe to say that God is testing me.  From the semi-decent first-half grade to my sadist lecturers and all sorts of events RIGHT SMACK before my final exam.


However, this is a test that I kept telling myself that I can't fail no matter how the odds seemed to be against me.  Truth be told, I can't blame anyone else for myself procrastinating and squandering whatever precious time that could have been dedicated to studying or maybe even just covering one chapter of material.  Perhaps this may just be hormones or me being an over-emotional twat again but I can't help but feel depressed at this turn of events; I needed to get this out of my system so I can start and focus on my revision in peace.


University has been a memorable and eye-opening experience.  I could say that during this period, my growth and level of maturity shot up exponentially though the inner kid never died.  But this had happened at the expense of giving up naivety and breaking the rose-tinted glasses.

On that, I'd like to mention that there were two turning points in my university life.  One when I was ripped from everything I knew and forcibly thrown into a vortex of chaos in June 2015; and the other in the last December.

At one point when I talked with my OP as fuck CHEM lab partner again and consulted him for advice, he asked me if I see you as a friend or someone who would become a memory.  It's sad to say that I obviously didn't matter as much to you as I thought I would be.  I've tried to understand your circumstances and help you wherever I can but you took advantage of that.  And in the end, you got what you deserved.  But good for you.  You've passed the module anyway.  Nonetheless, your behaviour had successfully proven two things: one, that you get complacent and can't be trusted to do your work properly once you think there's someone around who got your back; and two, that you don't respect people, the works of others and the trust that people place in you.


But I've seen enough.  It's just sad that at the end of the finishing line, I'm standing by myself and not with any of you.  Don't get me wrong though: I don't hate you.  You've merely reinforced the point that having faith in people is only going to let your feelings get trampled on.  But where do feelings even stand on society, right?  Yeah, fuck my feelings.  What matters is just that we get through, isn't it?


Maybe all I need is just a good cry or a few days away from you after all this.  As melodramatic as I sound, all of you weary me.  Furthermore at this point I don't think that ANY of us are really true friends at all.  We are all merely just friends of convenience.  You're not friends with me; you're friends with what I have.  Sadly, this is just how the world works.  One good thing, though; is that all the more it makes you cherish those few people that you truly call friends.


For now, the only things I wish for is the fortitude and discipline to get through this last lap in one piece and also for no regrets.  It has been a hard period so far; and here's to wishing that it'd get better.  Meanwhile, let's just grit our teeth and plough through the month.