When I die, I want you to carry my casket, so you can let me down one last time.

Down the path of cynicism

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist." -George Carlin

This quote never rang truer and hit closer as of now.

Though the spiral from an idealist to a cynic wasn't something that took place overnight, it seems that this path downward isn't going to screech to a halt or even show any signs of slowing down.  It's sad to say that the rose-tinted glasses have been broken and beyond the horizon lies a world of disappointment.  Humanity is undeniably a disgusting species, and this viewpoint probably would not change for the better.

Perhaps it's because I'm a poor judge of character, or maybe it's due to naivety and ignorance of the cruelty and selfishness that humans are capable of.  At one point, I believed that there were good people.  I believed that the efforts you put into nurturing a bond, or even a friendship; that those efforts would be reciprocated.  That belief is in pieces right now.

At some point, I've met the wrong people.  People that were only out to take advantage of you, to make use of you, and milk you of your worth; until you were worthless to them.  And they will use any means necessary.  Even your dreams and aspirations.  The very realization that your dreams were used against you for nothing but perhaps a quick buck, and maybe a future contact is a painful one.  Still, for some reason, the dream remained alive.  Though no longer burning as bright as it was, it dimmed.  But it kept burning.

But I digress.  

People disappoint me.  It's unfortunate that whenever my thoughts wander to those certain few individuals, my fucks to give deplete.  And this depletion is not stopping.  The jaded feeling does not go away.  It has become so numb that I don't think shedding tears is even possible at this moment. 

All I wish for is just inner peace and me-time.  Maybe a mental health day.  But in this case, mental health hours since I still have my academic responsibilities to fulfill.  Namely, a mid-semester exam and a report to wrap up by next week.  And I've barely started on the exam part.  As much as I'd like to pull a small joke on getting the mental breakdown out of the way before getting started on any of those aforementioned academic responsibilities, I feel so numbed that I think my emotional range may have dramatically shrunk to the size of a tablespoon.  An emotional range that encompasses three key states of utter numbness and nihilism, a slowly bubbling rage at people; or in the best case scenario, a focused and get-shit-done mood.

A small sample of freedom is coming after the exam, and I absolutely cannot wait to savor it.  But until then, all I can do is make sure that I don't leave regrets.  To whomever that has read this far, I hope that everything is going well on your side.  And thank you for sitting through this post.  Good day to you.

Aging + All-Nighters = Headache, A Somewhat Coherent Late-night Musing

Wenhui was right. 老了！！！！！DX

It's like 3.32 a.m now and it's supposed to be my second all-nighter no thanks to my procrastination on my reports that are due on Sunday.  SUNDAY.  Like so leh-cheh lor.  Sunday also need to go to school just to dump my reports into the stupid drop-box.

I mean granted I'm not that hardworking or smart enough to plough through them within two days like a friend's friend also taking the module now.


As of now, the first report is all wrapped up nicely and all I need to do is to print it out and draw the complex in.  The second one...I wrote one part of the procedure. ;_;

But I digress, like I've said, it's supposed to be my second all-nighter.  But I could feel a headache coming on and I don't want it to get to a point where I get a temporal headache again and end up in bed, regurgitating everything that ends up in my stomach.  Especially with exams coming up and another event that I won't and can't afford to jinx.


Notes-wise, I think I'm going to make do with abridged or messy notes with post-its all over the place for things I want to add in at the last minute.  Meanwhile I still don't understand HOW my CHEM2211 lab partner could survive on one hour of sleep for the previous module.

Ah and speaking of the previous module, I PASSED WITH A GRADE THAT WASN'T TOO BAD \O/ Though initially a little conflicting over how I've handled it; feeling that I could've tried harder but kind of knowing that I've done my best for it.  And also that I've had help from previously mentioned lab partner and there was simply this feeling in my gut that I didn't live up to expectations.  His or mine I don't know.  But a pass is a pass. I'LL GLADLY TAKE IT.


...at this rate this blog is just going to end up as some sort of tracker for my report progresses, anything school related or a dumping spot for my emo/cynical thoughts and emotional highs and lows.  Like it isn't already, come to think of it.  School is priority at this stage of my life after all even if this isn't going to continue for long.  And moreover, I'm an emotional twat underneath it all.


To end off, I SIMPLY CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MODULE TO END JUST SO I CAN DO OTHER THINGS.  AND NOT TO MENTION A ONE WEEK BREAK AFTER MY EXAMS.
Another milestone that I can't wait for is next May but that's another story.


Signing off before my head explodes.

Rules: You can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Put on your music (mp3 player, iTunes, Spotify etc.). Turn on shuffle and list the first ten songs that show up. No skipping! Then tag ten people. (You also have to list your favorite lyric from each song.) 

给我de-stress一下。来吧。

1. "Rock with you", BoA
"I’ll walk with you even though no one else believes in you
Even though the situation is still serious
So that you don’t run away
Before you get the message…" (source)

2. "亡我郷、反魂蝶、その華開花すること能わず", Morrigan
"The wind is never favorable for those who do not know where they are going." (source) But go listen to it, like seriously. It's EPIC.

3. "Silent Partner", La Roux
"Always something inside of me keeps dragging me down, I'm going deep below the undertow, and it won't let go. All I need is silence" (source)

4. "garden gate", oldcodex
"Lately, are you feeling unhappy again. Cold winter's day, and she cried again, walking and thinking about what's inside your head" (source)

5. "Unbreakable Stained Glass", Toshikazu Tanaka
Lyrics not really available? But I think they're in Latin. 

6. "Gluttony Fang", Daisuke Ishiwatari 
No lyrics.

7. "もう歌しか聞こえない", TAM

No lyrics.

8. "Last Minute", Hamasaki Ayumi (hey look it's the theme song for my procrastination *bricked*)

"By becoming a memory, you become eternal. That's more unfair than anything else. Give me back myself" (source)

9. "Battle! Ancient Pokemon", Junichi Masuda
No lyrics.

10. "Crystallized Silver", Godspeed
No lyrics.

IT'S REPORT SEASON AGAIN. YAY.

Let me sum up the previous week.

Mugging. Black pepper. MOAR MUGGING. KUSOhygrine (pun intended). Missing e-amusement pass. But successful data transfer. Chionging events.

ANGSTY LASERS.

Report apparently is due on 8th July instead of 7th July.  Thank you for that extra day to do our report, I guess.


But still.  Report write until wanna puke blood liao only give me pass.  FARK.  Y U DO TIS TO ME.  I've started on my second report though. This is going to be a long one.  In fact, I predict that it's going to end up 30 pages long.  Cuz I already have 22 pages including Appendix.  Yeah.


CAN MARK A BIT MORE LENIENT ANOT.  DEMO EVALUATION I GIVE YOU HIGH HIGH OK. DX


But have a song before I go.  It starts off kinda wannabe-ish but it gets better.  A LOT BETTER.  One huge plus point is that the execution in this version was carried out much better than the original because this had a lot more emotion and the vocals doesn't sound as flat.  It basically had more flavour.


Come to think of it, if the demon brothers were to each embody one version: the original and this version, this would probably embody Dante.  I don't know Nero well enough other than 'KYRIE', 'DEVIL ARM', 'VERGIL'S PUNK-ASS KID' and that he should not operate Pandora because he'll probably get into an accident of some sort.  Or get road rage and kill everyone while firing Pandora.  Or both.

...I am so sorry, Nero fangirls.

Disclaimer: I don't own the song.


I'll be off to bed now before I run out of vocabulary and living brain cells.

The awkward moment when you recognize a voice actor from a few lines in an anime because you may or may not have listened to too much of his work.


Curse you for being everywhere, Hikaru Midorikawa.

WARNING: Slight angst and mild ranting.

I regret everything up to this point.  Be it the decision to take my current Major.  Or to enroll in a lab group full of foreign faces without the foresight to ask which groups my friends were in because I'm an utter idiot.  And also my decision of staying up till 5.29 a.m to do my lab report.


At least the only things I'm left with are my discussion, abstract and conclusion sections to which the latter two are just basically the sections to tie up any loose ends and they usually take less than an hour to write.


DISCUSSION. However. *shrivels up and dies* No need sleep liao.


But before I sleep, I'd like to get something off my chest.  And that is the utter selfishness of some of my lab mates.  The lab is not your goddamn house.  Please don't hog reagents and leave the acetone and distilled water bottles all over the benches or fume hoods when you're done.  Also, it doesn't take the reflexes of Bruce Lee to turn off the fume hood or dismantle a setup after everyone's done using it.

KNN CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF LAH.  THE LAB NOT YOUR HOUSE LEH.

I understand that this is year 3 lab, you're all concerned for your grades, passing and especially about finishing fast and going home early so you can type up your lab reports.  Or maybe I'm just being too idealistic here but I'm going to say that it's not going to kill you to help your fellow lab mate or even acknowledge them.


Which may or may not tie in to my next somewhat may or may not be irrelevant point.  I've given, and given, and given, and given, and given.  I gave what I COULD gave.  But it still didn't seem enough.  It seems that more has to be taken from me.  I'm tired.  And as much as I don't want this to continue, it would.  I don't know how to stop the wheel and much less break it.  I gave what I could gave and I don't know how much more I can still give before I break.


With this, I conclude this post.  I will hold my head up high no matter the circumstances and no matter how grim things get.  I will fight for myself.  And I will nail this module with extreme prejudice just like how I did with BIOC.


I will not lose.

Warning: Some self-deprecation ahead

It makes me wonder.  I've known you only for two months.  But granted after that we still speak to each other once in a blue moon.  Still I don't understand.  Why are you so nice to me?

Seriously, I can't reach a conclusion by myself.  This may be my self-esteem speaking, but judging from your level of intellect, there are better people out there than me.  There are better people you could have been giving what you have to.  Your name is synonymous with distinction grades while I'm just your average student scraping by with what I have.  Maybe it's because I made the first move by offering you what I have.  You've helped me through a rough period of time though I didn't ask for that help.  And I'm grateful.  I don't even know if you're overdoing it at this point because what you've offering now, 'gratitude' no longer seems enough.  And given how OP you are you probably don't even need my help at all.  I don't know how to repay you, I don't know if I can EVEN repay you and I don't know what your intentions are.  Perhaps it's just as simple as an exchange to you, though this exchange certainly isn't in your favour.  Not many people are willing to actually accept this sort of exchange if it isn't in their favour.  Maybe it's me being a cynical ass that over-thinks things.  Or maybe you're just really that nice.  Or are you?

Chemistry survival guides for my reference. And also food for thought

How to Survive Organic Chemistry Lab

Is graduate school in chemistry bad for your mental health? Part 2

Both laptops dying. I have a lab report due in 2 weeks.

Unbelievable 

If you want to bullshit, don't do it to a cynic.

有时真不知道你是真笨还是假傻

OWLS

BECAUSE FREAKING OWLS

YOU get an owl! YOU get an owl! EVERYBODY GETS AN OWL!

I'm in Izaya hell. No it's not funny but it probably is to you all. Twats.

I think I've officially fallen into Izaya hell after actually being okay with cosplaying as him, buying his jacket (TEH FLUFFEH) and THEN finding out that THIS FIGURINE EXISTS.



SOMEONE HALP ME.
I DON'T WANT THIS UNMEI AND I DON'T WANT TO 'TILL DEATH DO US PART' WITH KAMIYA'S ROLES. 

I have just finished CHEM2221 report 2.


...wait no I haven't.  I still need to print it out and draw the structures in.  So...maybe 99% done?


All those calculations probably shaved a few days off my life given how I had three headaches on different days trying to work through them. (leading to a shit-load of procrastination that I openly admit I'm guilty of)


TEACHER EVEN IF WRONG GIVE ME FORMULA MARK PLEASE.  I GIVE YOU HIGH EVALUATION OK.


Either way, this report = JUST WHACK LIAO because it consisted a good amount of self-doubt and 'I have no idea what I'm doing'.


HUAT AH.






I need to de-stress.  And sleep.

Wild music tag because procrastination

• Rules: Using only the song titles from 1 artist/band, cleverly answer these questions. Tag 10 people at the end!

Artist: Ayumi Hamasaki

What is your gender?: my name’s WOMEN

Describe yourself: (miss)understood

How do you feel?: Guilty (for procrastinating on my lab report)

If you could go anywhere, where would it be?: everywhere nowhere (TROLOLOL)

Favourite mode of transportation: walking proud

Your best friend: FRIEND (TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL)

Favourite time of day: Ladies Night

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called?: Startin’

What is life to you?: Duty

Relationship status: still alone (like literally if you don’t count my relationship with UMVC3)

Your fear:  I am… 

Stolen from: http://the-precious-sugar-chan.tumblr.com/

Have fun and spread the love as always =3= *dives back into lab manual*

Everything is funnier in Hokkien feat 甄嬛传

Here's to feeding my obsession with 甄嬛传

Everything is funnier in Hokkien. This should be made into an Internet rule.

Meanwhile, happy new year, all.  Have a great year ahead. *dives back into notes*